These are the only Disney Princesses I care about as they were in my time so we are going to cover my favorite broads:
If you don’t like my broads, well, soon you might. On to Snow White.
Oh this little maiden really gets me. She breaks into the the dwarfs’ cabin and promptly falls asleep in their beds… ahem boundaries woman! Then, she arranges to live with seven men who are obviously in love with her and she acts coy, like she doesn’t even know it while she plays house. And you know what, maybe she is oblivious because this daft damsel takes the poison apple from a shady, old hag and starts to EAT IT. REALLY! HELLO! Come on girl, get it together! She wasn’t even under a spell like Sleeping Beauty. No excuse!
Snow White style:
You know she digs a cottage vibe where she can talk to all her rabbits and birds and shit. If anyone knows what the fox says it’s her…and Pocahontas obviously.
She loves her mirrors because she is fairest in the land and every time she looks at one, it smugly reminds her that she beat the Queen.
Of course, she has a a cozy place to put up her seven guests who often visit.
We also know, after cooking daily for 7 men, this girl knows how to cook… To summarize: weaknesses – lacks common sense; strengths – good at cooking, cleaning, singing and being the prettiest in the land. I see what you did there Disney, real subtle.
This babe was a pushover, working her skinny booty off for some evil wenches. I mean she cleaned everything and her closest friends were an entire horde of talking MICE (she knit little sweaters for them). Then, all of the sudden, she finds a hot guy and goes from servant girl to royalty because, you know, if you’re pretty enough, a hot guy will swoop in and fix all you’re problems! Hooray!
It wasn’t like Cinderella was uncomfortable wearing that freaking ball gown (“oh no, I couldn’t possibly”) she was all like “yeah that’s me, fairy godmother, now help me into my carriage.” Side note: her fairy godmother has awful timing. “Sorry dear I didn’t save you from all those terrible years of servitude but I’ll fix you right up for the ball!” You know Cinderella is going to trick her place out faster than you can say bibbidi bobbidi boo. Take that evil stepmother!
No more chores for her. Cinderella is all about automation and appliances now that can wash her clothes and dishes for her!
She is a contemporary minimalist; she is so over clutter. Her mice companions no longer need to hide in the shadows only emerging to assist with her chores and simple living means less to clean.
Her name is Aurora and we always forget that because well…she’s kinda vapid. Decidedly the most boring of all the princesses, Sleeping Beauty encompasses the common thread of traits that make up a typical Disney Princess: sweet, beautiful, great set of lungs, blah, blah, blah. If she had not met the Prince with the funny hat, she would be an ideal candidate for The Bachelor.
Sleeping Beauty style:
This chick knows the importance of a comfortable bed. Aurora grew up in a castle so she is no doubt accustomed to a certain standard of living.
Her pad would have to be decked out with many nooks and crannies suited for napping.
Perhaps our most stubborn and childish princess, Ariel was willing to leave her ocean life for a guy she met in a hot minute (literally hot, his ship was on fire). She was so adamant to get her way that she signed into a contractual agreement with the Sea Witch without even reading it first! Triton would be furious! Then she stumbled around mute and naked before getting married at the ripe old age of 16… but the princess got her way dammit.
Ariel has costal style. She is an established collector with gadgets and gizmos a-plenty and whozits and whatzits galore, but wanted more! Before her enraged father destroyed it, her collection consisted of earthly treasures, you know things like forks and pipes. Now, I can only assume she would be interested in trinkets reminiscent of her under the sea days. I like to think that Prince Eric and his trusty staff like that old, proper Ichabod Crane-like guy work to keep her hoarding habits to a minimum.
As you know, this mermaid traded in her fins for a pair of legs. Nowadays, Ariel loves open spaces where she can walk/prance around on those gams of hers as she sings to herself with the melodies reverberating off the walls (all these chicks love to sing).
You know Ariel lives on the ocean so she can wave to her father, sisters and former, scaly friends like Flounder while she drinks her morning coffee.
Belle is not impressed. Her provincial town did not quench her spirit for adventure. She reads the same books over and over and has only one outfit! Remember when Gaston held up 3 fawning floozies with ONE HAND? Nope, not even then. The Beast told her the West Wing was FORBIDDEN, do you think that stopped our girl? NO! She is eccentric and lives by her own rules.
Belle loves her books. Yay Belle, yay books! This one has a smart brain you guys!
As you know, Belle and her now human man are into antiques. In fact, their supporting circle of friends spent a lot of years living AS antiques so they want their guests to feel right at home. It secretly excites me to imagine them slipping up and giving their furniture orders… “another drink bar cart…oh” DO IT YOURSELF! #oldhabitsdiehard
Remember when Lumiere and Cogsworth took Belle around the castle explaining the Baroque era influence. This is inspiration for the couple’s fancy, traditional style. If it’s not Baroque, don’t fix it, Oh Cogsworth.
Jasmine is one sexy broad. You saw what she did to Jafar! She knows how to work it: sensually sashaying around, lounging in seductive poses and batting her thick lashes. Under the sea, there is not much availability in terms of clothing, hence Ariel’s seashell bra and bare midriff. Jasmine, however, knows exactly what she is doing. Even though this hot mama could get anyone she wants, with competing suitors vying desperately for her attention, she goes for the skinny STREET RAT! Props and respect Jazzy.
You know Pocahontas and John Smith get the feels from a cozy cabin atmosphere. Pocahontas feels comfortable surrounded by natural elements like wood and stone reminiscent of her throwback wigwam dwellings.
Side note: If you live with your head in your crack you should know that Pocahontas was a real person! John Smith and this broad were never lovers and later in life she changed her name to Rebecca, was basically paraded around England to show that “savages” could be civilized and decided not to return to her people and now we are sad.